I am a Refreshingly Quirky Unitarian Universalist ENFP 4w5/7w6/9w1 book wyrm, nerdfighter, and Hufflepuff. This tumblr will display anything I like from the profound to the flippant to the strange to the silly to the beautiful. Stuff I enjoy: Doctor Who, Sherlock, Castle, White Collar, Firefly, Last of the Mohicans, Harry Potter, NCIS, Bones, Treasure Planet, Tamora Pierce books, Diana Gabaldon books, Lois McMaster Bujold books, Patricia Briggs books, Gail Dayton books, John Green books, vlogbrothers, shakespeare, poetry, steampunk, Renaissance Faires, Sci-Fi cons, Christopher Moore books, Good Omens, Jane Austen books, books in general, Dungeons and Dragons, Dollhouse, House, dragons, knitting, chainmaille, chocolate, and poetry
Recently, I have stopped eating. It wasn’t a conscious decision/ on purpose. It started out because I couldn’t afford food. And then it became…more than that. I suffer from depression and just… stopped eating. I only eat if I WANT that specific food. except, nothing catches my eye. I am hungry, but I have no appetite. Is that a thing? I’m not TRYING to starve myself. I don’t think I’m fat. I don’t think I’m worthless or undeserving of food. Nothing like that. I don’t understand. I just…am not eating. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know I SHOULD eat, that I NEED to eat. When I get hungry enough, I buy something, but I never eat much of it. Only enough to, you know, Not Die. I know I should eat more. I know that when I eat, my mood is better and I am much more pleasant to be around. I know this in my head. I just… can’t eat. I don’t have the stomach for it. :/
More facts about me. Huzzah!!! (As though you needed more. I am the queen of TMI and tend to shout out everything. My manager at work says that I “have an overabundance of personality” and one of my customers told me that my personality spills out onto everything I touch. They didn’t make it sound like it was a bad thing….so yeah.) MOVING ON:
Stuff and things about MOI, the splendiferous Cait. woo.
1.) I am so behind in Doctor Who and so I’m avoiding tumblr at the moment because there are SPOILERS, sweetie. Also with Supernatural. And by “so behind” for DW, I mean that I am in the current season, but have not finished. Same with Supernatural. And by “avoiding tumblr,” I mean that I am on it all the time and just try (and usually fail) to avoid the spoilers. I’m not supposed to be on tumblr so much. My therapist wants me to Do Things. Specifically, things that interest me. Join a French or ASL club or a Craft group or a Writing Cricle or a book club. Something to get me out of bed. Something to motivate me. And instead of doing that…where am I? Tumblr. oops.
2.) Moving out of my apartment that I shared with boyfriend and two friends (lease ends on the 18th) and back in with my parents and one of my best friends. (HI MWEE SHLLLEEEEE!!!)
3.) Recently, I became interested in Zyla’s style stuff called Color Your Style. This will be surprising to the people that know me, because I’m not fashiony at all. Anyway, I think i’m interested in it because 1.) I am bored, 2.) I wish to distract myself from being depressed, etc., and 3.) I’m sick of wearing Starbucks uniform (black, white, and tan) of which I only have one shirt, one pair of pants, and a pair of socks and shoes. Which I wear EVERY FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK. I hate it. I want to look nice and pretty and wear clothes I have selected because I like the color and fit and whatnot. So yeah. There you go. For the record, I think I’m a Tawny Spring. I’m definitely a Spring personality (charming, cheerful, bubbly, sunshiny, friendly, informal, fun-loving, bright, youthful, optimistic, social, loves variety and new things, etc). Yeah.
4.) So, I was supposedly “Doing NaNoWriMo” this year. HAHASHAHAAHAHAAAAA….ha…yeah. Nope. I’ve got fewer than 6 thousand words. boo. My drive to create is gone. My inspiration, creativity, and muse got up and walked away. Or flew or drove or whatever. They have ESCAPED. So, my next tattoo is going to be very creative and be a daily reminder that creativity is important to me and that sometimes you have to make your own inspiration and fake it til you make it. It will be a zentangled feather quill. Then it will be colored in the watercolor tattoo style. Very awesome. On my right forearm. My writing hand. Yep, yep. (If you are curious, my first tattoo is on the inside of my left wrist. It is a celtic-ish compass rose star. North pointing toward my shoulder instead of my hand. That’s right, my friends, I AM TRUE NORTH. I make my own way. Etc. I got it to symbolize finding purpose and meaning in life, that there is no certainty—only adventure, for journeys and adventure, and despite all that, still being able to find my way home. It is in aqua and purple. The color didn’t stick very well so it looks faded even though I just got it this past February.)
AND LAST, BUT NOT LEAST:
5.) I don’t know what else to say. I am tired and am very hungry and have to pee (again. I have a fucking UTI that woke me up at 4 in the morning on Friday and gave me a fever and achy body and made me pee blood. I’m on medication, but it makes me sooooo thirstyyyyyy and gives me a headache and makes me nauseated. I have stopped peeing blood and don’t have a fever anymore, but I still ache. Only two more days of meds after today!!!) And there you go. Random facts about me. Aren’t you glad you read this? :P
P.S. I am lazy and like breaking the rules, so I am not going to tag people. If you read this, consider yourself tagged. That way, the same people won’t keep getting tagged and no one will be left out.
I have the best boyfriend ever. He’s been trying to encourage me to keep going with NaNoWriMo (I haven’t written anything since Day 13 and hadn’t even gotten to 5K before today. I was at 4815 before I started writing today). Anyway, today I texted him to let him know that I was free until two in the afternoon on Saturday, hoping to see him. This was our conversation:
Him: I’ve got a paper I need to finish tomorrow, hopefully if I get it done [we can hang out].
Me: Oh, okay. Good luck! I will send good writing/research vibes your way. mwah!
Him: Now that means you have to write, too. :)
Me: Deal. How much do you have to write
Him: 6 pages, nothing too bad.
Me: Double spaced? I will write the same amount as your requirement. So that’s three single-spaced pages for me.
Him: But writing is twice as hard for me
Me: Says who??!!!
Him: Says the fact that you have an English degree
Me: okay, fine, I’ll write more than you. It will just suck.
Him: Good! :D
And my current word count is 5464. :) My main character is turning out to be slightly insane and definitely creeptastic at the moment!!!
Tomorrow is a new day. Every day is a re-do. I will sleep and be rejuvenated. I will wake up On Time. I will get myself out of bed. I will feed myself and get ready for work. I will get to work on time. My boss’s boss’s boss will be at work, but it will NOT be stressful. I will not be overwhelmed at work. Everything will go smoothly. Just breathe and do the best you can. You can do it. Everything will be okay. <3
I have a one track mind. My mind keeps focusing on the same thoughts. I’m stuck on a hamster wheel and I can’t get off.
—Bodily stuff like hungry/cold/sick/tired/have to pee. This stuff is usually suppressed. Bad me.
—my boyfriend and missing him and worrying about him, etc.
—I hate my job. I dread going to work. I am stressed and overwhelmed and anxious about work. :/
—I need a car. I don’t have enough money for a car. Who am I kidding—I can’t even buy groceries every week (or two weeks…or three. Okay, face it; I just don’t buy them ever. Once in a while I walk from work to the store during my half hour break and buy one of those raman-in-a-styrofoam-cup things to eat during my break. But I don’t go grocery shopping where I leave the store with bags of food that will get me through a week with three meals every day. Of course, part of this is just the fact that I don’t want to ask for a ride to the grocery store and I’m not interested in any of the food and won’t eat it.)
Well…I guess that’s a four track mind. Whatever. These thoughts spiral around my head in a tornado and there isn’t anything else. Maybe that’s why I’ve got fewer than 5000 words for NaNoWriMo—I just can’t think of anything else except the shit in my life. No creativity or inspiration or drive or motivation or desire to do anything except sleep and cuddle.
This has been a depressive and dreary post. And on that note, I’m going to bed. On the bright side, I don’t need to take the bus to work tomorrow (thank god. relief abounds) because my housemate will take me. Now to curl up in a ball by myself and pretend that my boyfriend is here to cuddle me and pretend that none of my loved ones have shit lives and that we are all okay and pretend that life will be different and better when I wake up.
I have not written anything in days. I don’t want to quit, but I’ve already given up.
Everyone always talks about how life would be better/easier if they had money for whatever thing they want to buy. And while it is true that life would certainly be easier for me if I always had enough money to pay all my bills and still buy groceries, etc., I don’t think money makes things better. I think my life would be easier and better if I had more self-confidence/confidence in my abilities, if the thought of riding the bus didn’t give me panic attacks, if I liked more food things, if I liked going places alone, if I liked being by myself, if I didn’t feel like I was drowning or that gravity was set way to high, etc. I think those things are more important than money.
I need to get out of bed because eating is important and I don’t want to miss the bus, but bed is warm and cozy and I hate the bus.
You know that feeling where someone HAD to have mucked with the Gravity Controls and turned them up a few notches and replaced all your bones with lead and even the smallest thing takes way more effort than it is worth and you feel like you’re drowning and you can’t breathe and you’re being crushed and overwhelmed, and you are soooo tired because you are so heavy and everything is sooo hard, so you don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but you have to get up and go to work to pay your bills??? Yeah. That feeling.
Just returned from Session One of Therapy. My therapist’s name could be the protagonist of a novel. And she’s a delightful person. I was nervous, but she was lovely. Her name is Ella. :)
We talked about NaNoWriMo (She’d never heard of it before, so I had to explain what it was and now she says she is going to look it up). She said that I should continue NaNoWriMo because it seems like something I’m passionate about and that I’m a very creative person. She says that it should not be a stressor, but something fun (I kinda laughed inside at that because it can be fun and a stressor, but I know what she meant. She meant it shouldn’t cause distress or make me miserable, obviously it’s a challenge.). She said that I should be accountable and should make goals.
I really liked that she encouraged me to keep going with NaNoWriMo. She also encouraged me to find a way to use my two degrees (French and English) in a creative way, to think outside the box to find a career that fits me. She says that I seem like the kind of person who would be miserable clocking in and sitting in a cubical every day. I agree. I like to have some routine though because it makes me feel like I know what I am doing and I know what’s expected of me…but I don’t like mundane/routine/boring/repetative/etc things. I don’t know what to do though and I am “stuck in a rut,” as Ella pointed out. Hence why I am supposed to come up with a list of creative ways to use my agree.
Also, a list of goals—short term and long term
And a list of coping mechanisms I use.
I think that was everything….